This entry is more of a personal note, written (typed) down for you to read. Thoughts that run through my head in terms of personal history, so bare with me… if you will. Im going to need a moment of silence. (long entry)
After months of solitude, trying to do things right in my personal life I’ve came to the resolution: I am damaged; or I feel that I am, or maybe I’ve built up an impeccable wall. I’m not sure exactly, but I will explain it in further detail. So right now as we speak, my friends and I are having our annual DCAD reunion (in which a group of us from the same college, meet yearly at one designated location to rekindle, reflect and inform each other of their lives since graduation) in my place in New Jersey. I’ve so far, enjoyed their company… but in bringing them here, it gave me reminiscence of past Delaware experiences. Relationship experiences per say.
Now I am by far NOT the relationship expert, nor do I build a facade in that regard. After all, I’ve only been in two relationships… so naturally, I figure I have a long road ahead of me. I mean, I’m only 21. But that road has ended since December of 2009. I think, that was the official end of my true happiness. I cant explain how painful it was to hear him say he loved someone else (indirectly), especially after a just few months of separation. He promised me he would return, 8 months specifically but obviously, it was a lie. Anyone who wants to put love on HOLD, is a liar. Please note lol.
No one who truly loves someone will give that person the opportunity to seek someone else. Point Blank.
But anywho since that day, Ive put up a wall, to the point where I’m realizing that I might have a problem.
At first, it was natural… but come in September, it will be an official year since we broke. So what have I done? Initially after the brake, I dated. ALOT. I was out every weekend, sleep overs at random peoples homes, parties, etc. I was spiraling quickly downhill. I drank, I smoked a bit, etc. I even did things I told myself I’d never do, and things I partially regret. I never thought he’d have that affect on me (any guy for that matter), but I had that attitude where it was like, “Look, I don’t need him. I can get another guy anyday.” (Wow, yeah I actually got alittle cocky–rather, a self-esteem booster). I eventually got into another relationship and within 6-days it ended.
Although he was a generally nice person, you know when someone is not the One. Womens intuition, and I actually listened to it for once. I realized I started the relationship, simply cause I wanted to be with someone and those I dated weren’t up to par. It was for all the wrong reasons, and I wanted my next relationship to be MY LAST. Im looking for eternal happiness. True Love. So I broke it off. I decided that I needed Me time, I wanted to get back to my happy self–but it has yet to fully shine.
I continued to date and juggle my 6-hour saturday classes and school for that semester. I’d say after date 23, with 23 different guys I was disgusted with dating. lol. Well, quite frank–I am. Every person Ive met, I somehow managed to find a flaw (well, exception of 1: ill get on that later). Either he smokes, too young, too old, has a baby, bad smile, couldn’t pay for a meal, uneducated, etc. Like I even judged them on attitude. All because, I’m afraid to gamble. Never have I judged so harshly, or critiqued someone without fully knowing them. I know I have no right, I have issues myself. But, I believe no one is ready for a relationship at this age. Until we have established ourselves, we’d never be completely happy. Its true: Unless, you’ve had that highschool kind of love and you’ve been together for 10 years. Even then, couples have their issues.
Anyway, yeah so as I dated…my ex kept contact. And I admit, I checked up on him several times myself. Eh, I guess I’m going to always love him.. even despite the lie that shaped my current character. And I know I’m one to say KEEP EXES OUT (I mean did you not read my other entry?) but honestly, it is hard. Every time he texted and I saw that 302 area code, my heart jumped. Smh. I dont know if it jumped cause of happiness, or it jumped because every time he sent a msg: it was like re-opening a wound. I felt both pain and pleasure. Pain, that he hurt me and pleasure in knowing that even though he was with her, he thought about me…
“…until we have established ourselves as an individual, we’d never be truely happy.”
It was bad, like an addiction. I anticipated on his texts and eventually realized it was becoming an issue. But I think that phone call, was the last straw. All that I can recollect from that night was the text messages that were in my phone. I wasn’t all there at the time and I have no idea what was said, but hey it is what it is. Is it not? All I know is that I was happy for a brief moment. To hear his voice again, lighted my night like you wouldn’t believe. I thought I had that fairy-tale ending I always fantasized for me and him. Boy makes mistake and confesses his love. And they make-up and rekindle the lost love. Get married. Children. And we’d laugh about how young and dumb we were back then, and how we almost lost the loves of our lives.
Ha, but it is just a fantasy. All I know is the next day is when I felt it. It didn’t feel fairy-tale like at all. As a matter of fact, that call brought the pain back yet again. My heart wanted to believe it could work so, I asked a friend for an update. My friend told me, he was with his ex the next night, telling her he loved her, etc. So yeah, stab me an 8th time, why dont you? Ha. Again, I cried and cried… and cried some more to myself. After confiding into a friend and God, I summoned enough strength to block the number. I had to.
As much as a piece of me wanted him back in my life, I was going about the situation on the wrong terms.
I believe he was too. The ONLY reason he called was because his new relationship failed. Thats not cute to me, that tells me I’m 2nd place. I’m lower than her. I’m beneath her and even if we were to ever get back together… I’d always remember that he replaced me at some point and time. My love should be irreplaceable. My care should be memorable. And I dont think I could ever completely get over that feeling I felt. I just never felt anything like it before. Not even in my fathers death.
Sigh. I am a nice person. I haven’t hurt a soul in my entire life. I think that giving someone pain is unethical, although mandatory in life. Im just the kind of girl who tries to bring out the positive in people. I love to inspire, make them happy… regardless of how much it takes. Everyone to me has potential. They just need someone to show them the way. And thats what I do… even if it goes in vein. But for right now I think right now its best that we live our lives separately. Have as much space and distance as possible from each other. It is the only way I can see it as of right now.
After last night in NYC, I’ve realized… I might have an issue (or I might not lol. It depends on your interpretation), since I’ve become so selective in who I pursue. I can’t help it if I want the next guy to be my last. So why not be selective? I’m only 21!! I’m not here to date and say “Oh, we’ll see how it goes from here..”
I dont want to guess our future, I want to have a good understanding of it.
And all of that requires time.
So I’m here waiting, patiently… and I’m waiting for the right time. Right now, I can’t. I feel I need to establish myself alittle further. I need to finish school. I need to have a job. I need a career and I need to be able to take care of me first. My friends don’t understand why I’m still single, ha. (AND IF IM EVER ASKED THAT ONE MORE TIME >:o. Roar! lol) One even said, she’s surprised I haven’t moved on and demands that I do so… calls me unhealthy. Like, forreal? What do you mean? I don’t have any Cancer or STDs lol
They’re all about, “When was the last time you had sex? Who you do this to? Have you masturbated?” Like, for real? Life is NOT about sex. We have urges, but a strong mind can resist such things for the timebeing. Look for something deeper. I’m not about sex anymore. I’m about making love. I want to be in sync with him, I want to feel the same heart-beat, that same pace… that passion. I want to feel that we are connected, I want to make love each and every time I’m with him. Give my all, surrender myself (well physically lol) But NOT because, “oh I visited you, and I havent seen you in 2/3 weeks so I’m horny” and not because its just something to do when we’re bored–but because we love each other.
I mean, there is no problem with me beginning again, going into another relationship again… but the thing is: I want it to be pure. I will no longer hop into a relationship due to circumstance. I want to date someone I have a connection with, someone with that mentality that compliments mines. Someone who is as positive as myself. Who has imperfections but who is going about life in a positive manner, building upon his future. Goal oriented. Strong. And again, I cant stress the importance of initial connection. Its like mandatory.
I really dont care much about the physical, cause as we age… our bodies deteriorates. He might be built, but at 35/40 he might not. Guys need to think this as well. They like thick women–women with huge thighs and asses, big tits, slim waist line, etc…. but they dont realize it turns into cellulite. It fades. Fat asses are unhealthy anyway. And make-up doesnt cover up the self-esteem issues, and the way they look in the morning. Like I get your physically attracted, but the mind possess so much more. It is divine. And once your mind is linked, your heart tends to follow… who doesnt want that? lol
1 thing is for sure: The next guy is going to get all of me. Seriously. I want to give my all and thensome, something I’ve done before as a growing adult: but when I’m ready… I will be able to take it to that climax I always wished for it to go. Hopefully, he will feel exactly as I. He’d want to provide, profess and ultimately be with someone who completes him. Someone who looks beyond the physical, and sees the potential in something. Knows good judgement, knows the value of youth and life as a whole… one who is prepared to move onto the next step. Someone who is looking for love, true, deep and sincere… and I believe I found him.
But only time can tell…
So I’ll wait.